no good for me

Long time no blog. I know.
Last month was full of ups and downs. And it ended down, deep down.

It hurts, and this hurt wants me to hurt myself! I just want this pain to stop, never wanna feel it again. I don't wanna go through this!

I wish I could turn around and run away. Run away from me, my feelings, my emotions, my pain, my heart. I wish I could make it stop. But I can't.
I wish I could hide and cry. But I can't, have to be there for my lil one. Can't confuse her with my behaviour.

They're telling me it'll get better within time. Maybe they're right. But right now I just can't believe it. When I look into the further future all I see is more pain. And Unsureness. How to get along? How to behave? I have no idea how that should work.

And still I don't understand it, the way it happened, the point of time it happened. To me it still makes no sense.
It just hurts so badly...

Please tell me that I won't lose u! That u'll be there for me no matter what will happen - as u promised!