life's a bitch

So, that has been my first month at school. Time goes by very fast. Too fast. Now I've got two weeks of holidays. And I dunno what to do with my time.
Well, I could try to plan my upcoming lessons. I could clean the flat. I could complete my daughter's Australia Picture Book. I could unpack the last boxes. I could pull off the rest of the hangings in the hallway. Yer, I could do a lot of stuff, really useful stuff.
But at the moment I'm totally not in mood. All I want to do is to linger on my couch, watch a good chick flick and feel sorry for myself.

Life changed a lot. Sometimes I'm wondering how fast everything goes by. In two months my daughter will turn 4 and my boyfriend and me will have our third anniversary. My Dad died two years ago. I finished university after 5 years of studying. And now I've finished the first month of my trainee ship at school. Only 23 months to go. Time's running. Only three more months until Xmas. And then it's bye-bye 2008 and welcome 2009.
I'm thinking alot in these days. I think about life. About work. About love. About myself. About my friends. About family. But I don't come to any conclusions at all. I'm just thinking and thinking and thinking. It seems as there ain't any answers at all. It's just like thinking without knowing what I'm thinking about. And then I've got thoughts like: "Are u doing the right thing?" - "Is it worth all this trouble? All this work?" - "What am I doing?" - "How much can a heart take?" - "Why am I the way I am?" - "Why can't I just stop it?" - "What is life all about?" - "And after all who am I?"
All these questions are spinning around in my head. The only result is that I get horrible headaches.
Yer I know, must sound totally crazy. And ur probably right. Have u ever known that it's totally insane what ur doing but u couldn't stop it? If so then u know how I feel right now.

Maybe I need these two weeks to relax. To calm down. To sort my thoughts. To find myself back. To get myself back on the track.
But what if it didn't work? I'm afraid of the answer. I'd like to live on without thinking. Without feeling strange feelings. Without wondering.

I just want to live on.